inspiration

What is inspiration? Is it just one of those fancy words that artistic people use? You know how those interviews go; "Who or what inspires you?" and the response that comes after, "You know, I'd have to say Van Gogh (if the artist is a painter) or Jimi Hendrix (if the artist is a rock guitarist)." 

That isn't to say that I don't have an appreciation for Hendrix, or even a sort of awe when I look at "Starry Night," but what does it really mean to be inspired? I like words, so let's go visit dictionary.com for a definition, shall we? 

According to the entry for inspire (verb), "to inspire" is:

1. to fill with an animating, quickening, or exalting influence: His courage inspired his followers.

OR
5. to animate, as an influence, feeling, thought, or the like, does: They were inspired by a belief in a better future.

Okay, now we have something to work with. What animates you? What brings the life out of you? 

Here is a list (in progress) of what stirs my heart to action or reflection. These are the things that make me want to create something of beauty in response to what they have done in me.

*stars: the heavens never cease to amaze me and remind me of God's majesty

*dreams: daydreams are the best because they stay with you longer

*lyrics: the kind that mean something...not manufactured for an audience, but a piece of the writer's heart (an excellent example: amy seeley)

*photography with soul: if a picture really is worth a thousand words, what happens when a photo renders me speechless? 

*creativity that serves: there is little more encouraging to me than seeing someone use their talents and gifts to make the world better for others

*color: that certain shade of aqua or coral that can just make my day brighter 

*love: pure and unselfish love is somewhat harder to come by these days, it seems, but when I see it, I can't help but be moved to rejoice

*design: true, the clothes don't make the man, but the design says a lot about the man (or woman!) who created the clothes. Somewhere in that expression is the key that makes me want to create things myself.

"so this is the new year...

...and I don't feel any different."

-The New Year by Death Cab for Cutie

Actually, I do feel different. This year holds all sorts of hope and new possibilities, and I am determined to start it off right. My goal is to maintain a positive outlook and a prayerful attitude. I want to make loving people a priority. I want to not only start things, but also finish them, and put my whole heart into whatever I'm doing.

These are not resolutions. They are simply things that I would like to see grow in me this year.

Happy 2009!

All About Perspective

I have found (repeatedly) that perspective changes everything. Especially when you are an emotionally-driven creature like I am, knowing how to look at a situation or conflict can mean the difference between overreaction and smart choices.

When I'm in the middle of something, I am literally in themiddleof it. I'm talking, so-squished-I-can-hardly-breathe in the middle. So I can pretty much forget about thinking clearly. Even the slightest removal from said situations can have the most dramatic effect on the outcome. I feel healthiest when I can shift my perspective. I feel smart and rational and mature. 

So why is it always so hard for me to remove myself in order to gain control? Because I like the emotional aspect just as much as the rational aspect. In truth, I am a girl. Now, this sentiment is not true for all girls, nor is it true for me at all times. It's just a pattern I've begun noticing. 

I have also noticed that once the perspective shift takes place, and I rationalize myself into oblivion, my "issues" tend to dissolve quickly, regardless of how imposing they seemed 10 minutes ago.

That's my current food for thought. What's yours?

Pretend that I wrote a clever title.

I feel so uninspired lately. Maybe it's because I've been swallowed by the black hole that has become my life, and that's hindered the creative process? We'll see. 

It's just frustrating because a couple of weeks ago I woke up in the middle of the night with a great idea for a story. I proceeded to get out of bed and write 2 solid pages of notes and snatches of the story before my brain let me go back to sleep. I haven't made any progress on it since then. And I don't really know why. Maybe I don't want to write it because it was such a good idea that if it turns out mediocre I will feel bad for it's lost potential. Yes, story ideas have feelings and purpose and a sense of identity that is extremely fragile. Don't laugh at me. 

Yesterday, I began a fledgling version of an online store. I'll let you know what/where it is once I have a few more things up on it. Then you can buy fun things and I will make some money. :)

I need a real job. You know, one that pays every two weeks in an amount that will pay more than my gas and grocery bill. Trouble is, I'm picky. I want to work part time, weekdays only, so I have time for church, theater, and working on this so-called writing that I do. I also don't want to answer phones or make phone calls. See? Picky.

I've reached my word quota for this update. Mostly because I lost my train of thought. More later.

Kindergarten

I always hear people talking about how life was so wonderful in Kindergarten. I also sometimes hear people say they wish they could go back and just be five again because it was easy and uncomplicated. I agree with the first statement. I'm still thinking about the second one.

I had a very long and emotional day. It wasn't anything in particular that happened to set everything off, but a series of... complications. But I felt all day like I had to physically hold myself together to keep from losing it. I spent a significant amount of time talking to God today. I think maybe that was one of the reasons that today happened - so I would remember WHO I am supposed to turn to for everything. 

In Kindergarten, I wouldn't have understood this. I understood God, but not in the way I do now. I would have simply gone crying to my wonderful mother, and she would have given me a hug and made me take a nap. Easy, maybe. But would I have grown from it? Probably not so much.

In Kindergarten, you're friends with everyone. Unless it's the kid who pushed you to get in front of the line for the slide. As an adult, it's harder to get along with everyone, but you also learn who is really going to be there for you as opposed to the kid that only likes you because your mom makes cupcakes for the class. :) 

I am blessed to have found the former type of friend is in my life in multiple. These people hug you instead of asking questions about why you've been crying in public, and they respond kindly to the crazy text messages you send them asking if anyone will notice if you run away.

So, yes, Kindergarten was fun and wonderful and easy, but it was only the practice round. And in spite of all the things that go wrong, I am okay with being a grown up because there is a beauty and wonder in that too, which God reveals to those who are looking and listening.

To Corinth and Back...

Paul wrote to the Corinthians. Paul also wrote to us. I've been mulling this over today as I was thinking about how I feel like I can't express myself very well these days. 

Instead of taking an honest look at myself, I chose to go into hiding. I am like a turtle in that respect, I suppose. Or something to that affect. 

My dear friend Annaliese (who I really consider to be more a sister than merely a friend) was telling me today about what they talked about in her Moms Group Bible Study, and she showed me something that really opened up my eyes. Looking at 1 Corinthians 13, she said they had been challenged to put their own names in place of the word "love" in that famous chapter. And I thought, wow, what would that look like if I tried it? 

Am I patient? Am I kind? Do I protect, trust, hope and persevere? Do I delight in the truth? Or am I envious, boastful, rude and self-seeking? Am I prideful and easily angered? Do I make sure to keep track of the wrongs of others?

If I am being completely honest with myself, I DO make (feeble) attempts to live a life of love, but more often than not, I fall short. I think that perhaps one of the reasons I am having such a hard time coming to grips with my life right now is that I am still a bit shaky on my identity in Christ. I can talk all day until I'm blue in the face about how important my faith is, but if I'm not earnestly seeking after the Heart of God, how on Earth can I ever hope to find my purpose or my identity? 

I am stepping into a few months (or more!) of testing, and it's odd to me that I can see it from this end. I'm not used to preparedness for things like this. But I know that I have several specific challenges before me, specifically in learning a greater measure of patience, finding out how to lead with compassion and wisdom, and speaking the truth in love. I hope to see what the Lord makes me into through this. My hope is that I can find more of my identity in Him, and that I can move forward with confidence into the next phase of my life, wherever that might take me. Faith is being able to take that first step. I know that God will catch me.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

Catalyst

I have been struck into silence by all that has transpired in and around me in the past weeks. I don't really remember how I got here, or really where I was headed before now. That is both frightening and reassuring. Frightening because I don't know what's wrong with me, but reassuring because somehow it makes me feel a bit less insane for these choices knowing that the things I had been previously toiling for weren't nearly as life-and-death as I had originally assumed. 

Romance and all that Icky Love Stuff

I am watching my views on many things change before my eyes in very unexpected ways. I think this might mean I am finally starting to grow up, but I am not sure. We'll see.

For quite some time now, I have been a very cynical person. I didn't realize until recently however, that that was actually what had happened to me. Now that I recognize it though, I am finding I am very able to change those tendencies and behaviors. This makes me hopeful. I have been cynical about mankind in general. I have been cynical about politics. I have been greatly cynical about love. This is mostly due to the fact that I honestly believed that I wouldn't be finding love anytime soon, if ever.

I am talking in terms of what you might call "romantic love." The kind of love that leads to marriage and babies and happily ever after and finally being "Mrs. Darcy." Yes. I made the Pride and Prejudice reference. Now wait. I need to say something about Pride and Prejudice. As a girl, it is technically my duty to adore this book and everything it stands for. I often hear young women (and not-so-young women) telling young men that P&P contains everything you need to know to understand a woman, and will therefore, basically, unlock the secrets of the Universe. I used to subscribe to this theory, because, as a girl, it was expected. 

You know what I think though? I think that if women are truly honest with themselves, they don't really want their lives to be like Pride & Prejudice. Don't get me wrong, it's a nice story and all, and I think a lot of people can get swept up in the characters and the language and Lizzy's boldness and the awkwardness that Mr. Collins encompasses. But it isn't truth. And I don't really think that in the end it's all that romantic either. I realize that I will probably be executed for saying this. But I think that this romance stuff that people are so desperate for is not what you find in fiction.

I think that God is terribly romantic though. He loves with a fierce and unyielding love that is not shaken, and he pursues those he loves to the ends of the earth, even when they don't want him. God loves me this way. And it's the same way that he loves you too. 

Because of God, I am finding that I am a romantic after all, too. And I believe that I will find the "romantic love" that I am looking for because God wants us to have that kind of love. He created that kind of love. He created people to need each other. More importantly, he created people to need HIM.

I'm finding that true love might not actually be as emotional as it is painted in the movies. And I find that thought refreshing. Sure, love includes feelings, but it is so much more than that, too. I can't really wrap my brain all the way around that concept, but I am slowly starting to figure things out - mostly from observing other people in my life who know what love is.

Maybe I'll get there one of these days after all.