Instead of taking an honest look at myself, I chose to go into hiding. I am like a turtle in that respect, I suppose. Or something to that affect.
My dear friend Annaliese (who I really consider to be more a sister than merely a friend) was telling me today about what they talked about in her Moms Group Bible Study, and she showed me something that really opened up my eyes. Looking at 1 Corinthians 13, she said they had been challenged to put their own names in place of the word "love" in that famous chapter. And I thought, wow, what would that look like if I tried it?
Am I patient? Am I kind? Do I protect, trust, hope and persevere? Do I delight in the truth? Or am I envious, boastful, rude and self-seeking? Am I prideful and easily angered? Do I make sure to keep track of the wrongs of others?
If I am being completely honest with myself, I DO make (feeble) attempts to live a life of love, but more often than not, I fall short. I think that perhaps one of the reasons I am having such a hard time coming to grips with my life right now is that I am still a bit shaky on my identity in Christ. I can talk all day until I'm blue in the face about how important my faith is, but if I'm not earnestly seeking after the Heart of God, how on Earth can I ever hope to find my purpose or my identity?
I am stepping into a few months (or more!) of testing, and it's odd to me that I can see it from this end. I'm not used to preparedness for things like this. But I know that I have several specific challenges before me, specifically in learning a greater measure of patience, finding out how to lead with compassion and wisdom, and speaking the truth in love. I hope to see what the Lord makes me into through this. My hope is that I can find more of my identity in Him, and that I can move forward with confidence into the next phase of my life, wherever that might take me. Faith is being able to take that first step. I know that God will catch me.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1