Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Decisions, Decisions...

Hmmm, it's been a little while, hasn't it? Oh well, I know for a fact that there is only one person who checks this regularly hoping for an update, but she already knows just about everything I would say on here anyway. =)

So, why that title? I'll tell you. It seems like in my life, the strongest constant I have is change. I was trying to explain this to the other gals in my small group last Sunday, and I know it came out kind of confusing, even though they made an effort to understand. Basically, I think that I'm finally getting something together in my life, and then it is flipped upside down without warning. I have come to expect this. I'm not sure if that knowledge is actually helpful, or if it just makes me more sad that I know my life is in a constant state of flux and I just shouldn't bother getting comfortable with things. Ever. 

I'd really like for some things to settle down. Right now, all I can do is hope for that while muddling through the rest. But I guess that is okay for now. I'm young, and I have the rest of my life for things to become boring and routine. 

Back to the title. I feel like I am constantly making life-altering decisions. This seems to happen about every 3 months. And when I say life-altering, I mean it. I have spent the last four years of my life making decision after decision about my education, and still I feel like very little has been accomplished. I have attended 2 state universities and a community college. I possess an Associate's Degree. That is a small accomplishment, yes, but I still feel like nothing has really been finished. Now, here I am, 2 years after finishing said degree, and I still don't know what the heck I'm doing. And I am starting to feel like I am molding. Okay, I'm not green yet, but I'm also not 19 years old anymore. I need to get something done and get on with my life. The question that remains is, What does that look like in reality?

As my "niece" Evie says, "I need options!" 

More on this later as the story develops. 

Saturday, August 2, 2008

On the Lighter Side...

(Eagle Creek - July 31, 2008)

I have been rediscovering an old love recently: Hiking.

It's been a much-needed reminder that God knows what He's doing. And that He does great work. So I don't really have that much to worry about. In that, I rest.

Friday, August 1, 2008


I need validation.

I need to know that someone can love me - the mess that I am - without needing me to change first into some ideal that they have. 

I know God loves me. I know that is supposed to be enough. Is it so wrong of me to feel like it's not enough though? I feel like such a terrible person for even voicing that. 

I've felt like a terrible person a lot lately. I don't like that.

I feel like I am listless - a tiny boat lost at sea, bouncing around from wave to wave. My compass doesn't point north anymore. I don't know where I am, or where I am going, or even where I really want to go. How could anyone want a mess like this?

I need to know if someone even could.