Saturday, October 11, 2008


I always hear people talking about how life was so wonderful in Kindergarten. I also sometimes hear people say they wish they could go back and just be five again because it was easy and uncomplicated. I agree with the first statement. I'm still thinking about the second one.

I had a very long and emotional day. It wasn't anything in particular that happened to set everything off, but a series of... complications. But I felt all day like I had to physically hold myself together to keep from losing it. I spent a significant amount of time talking to God today. I think maybe that was one of the reasons that today happened - so I would remember WHO I am supposed to turn to for everything. 

In Kindergarten, I wouldn't have understood this. I understood God, but not in the way I do now. I would have simply gone crying to my wonderful mother, and she would have given me a hug and made me take a nap. Easy, maybe. But would I have grown from it? Probably not so much.

In Kindergarten, you're friends with everyone. Unless it's the kid who pushed you to get in front of the line for the slide. As an adult, it's harder to get along with everyone, but you also learn who is really going to be there for you as opposed to the kid that only likes you because your mom makes cupcakes for the class. :) 

I am blessed to have found the former type of friend is in my life in multiple. These people hug you instead of asking questions about why you've been crying in public, and they respond kindly to the crazy text messages you send them asking if anyone will notice if you run away.

So, yes, Kindergarten was fun and wonderful and easy, but it was only the practice round. And in spite of all the things that go wrong, I am okay with being a grown up because there is a beauty and wonder in that too, which God reveals to those who are looking and listening.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

To Corinth and Back...

Paul wrote to the Corinthians. Paul also wrote to us. I've been mulling this over today as I was thinking about how I feel like I can't express myself very well these days. 

Instead of taking an honest look at myself, I chose to go into hiding. I am like a turtle in that respect, I suppose. Or something to that affect. 

My dear friend Annaliese (who I really consider to be more a sister than merely a friend) was telling me today about what they talked about in her Moms Group Bible Study, and she showed me something that really opened up my eyes. Looking at 1 Corinthians 13, she said they had been challenged to put their own names in place of the word "love" in that famous chapter. And I thought, wow, what would that look like if I tried it? 

Am I patient? Am I kind? Do I protect, trust, hope and persevere? Do I delight in the truth? Or am I envious, boastful, rude and self-seeking? Am I prideful and easily angered? Do I make sure to keep track of the wrongs of others?

If I am being completely honest with myself, I DO make (feeble) attempts to live a life of love, but more often than not, I fall short. I think that perhaps one of the reasons I am having such a hard time coming to grips with my life right now is that I am still a bit shaky on my identity in Christ. I can talk all day until I'm blue in the face about how important my faith is, but if I'm not earnestly seeking after the Heart of God, how on Earth can I ever hope to find my purpose or my identity? 

I am stepping into a few months (or more!) of testing, and it's odd to me that I can see it from this end. I'm not used to preparedness for things like this. But I know that I have several specific challenges before me, specifically in learning a greater measure of patience, finding out how to lead with compassion and wisdom, and speaking the truth in love. I hope to see what the Lord makes me into through this. My hope is that I can find more of my identity in Him, and that I can move forward with confidence into the next phase of my life, wherever that might take me. Faith is being able to take that first step. I know that God will catch me.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1