Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Precipice

Sometimes, I don't recognize myself.

I'm afraid of just about everything. Failure, rejection, what people will think of me if I don't meet their expectations. When I was little, I was definitely a lot more brave. I was excited when I found out we were moving when I was in 5th grade. I don't even remember being nervous when I started my new school (or the next 2 new schools after that). 

Now though, I can't stand the thought of putting myself in a new situation with people I don't know. It terrifies me. This to me is strange, because I generally like making new friends, I guess I just don't like the uncertainty of the "newness." Too much could go wrong.

Today I found myself on a precipice. I was on the back porch, trying to get the dog back inside because she was barking, and I looked out at the rain-soaked lawn and thought, "How long has it been since I've gotten muddy?" So I made a decision. I ran out into the yard in my bare feet and played chase with the dog. And I didn't care about being dirty or cold. I just soaked up the air and the sight of raindrops clinging to leaves and how good everything smelled. I need to do things like that more often.

I've been living in a cage that I designed for myself to keep me safe. 

2 comments:

the gove family said...

Oh I am so glad you ran in the rain and got dirty! it is so important to do that and not worry about how messy it will be and how much clean up time it will take. i understand the hesitancy, but i am proud of you for taking time to play! :)

Jack Bunny said...

I can relate to holding back. I do that a lot. But that's why having a blog is so great. You can be anything!