hymnal

No matter how long it's been since I gave my life to Jesus Christ (in case you're super curious, it was almost 18 years ago), I am constantly floored by the beauty of my Savior and his Awesome power. 

We sang this song at church last night, and while it wasn't my first experience with this hymn, I was struck by it in a new way and I had to share it. I think what hit me hardest last night was the verse that goes "From life's first cry to final breath/Jesus commands my destiny/No power of hell, no scheme of man/Can ever pluck me from His hand" because it's such a great reminder that I'm not trying to do life on my own. Thank goodness! Jesus has me by the hand, and if I'm trusting in him, nothing's going to stop him from doing the work he has planned. What a wonderful promise!

In Christ Alone

In Christ alone my hope is found

He is my light, my strength, my song

This Cornerstone, this solid ground

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease

My Comforter, my All in All

Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh

Fullness of God in helpless babe

This gift of love and righteousness

Scorned by the ones He came to save

'Till on that cross as Jesus died

The wrath of God was satisfied

For every sin on Him was laid

Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay

Light of the world by darkness slain

Then bursting forth in glorious Day

Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory

Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me

For I am His and He is mine

Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death

This is the power of Christ in me

From life's first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man

Can ever pluck me from His hand

'Till He returns or calls me home

Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

Words and Music by Keith Getty & Stuart Townend

All About Perspective

I have found (repeatedly) that perspective changes everything. Especially when you are an emotionally-driven creature like I am, knowing how to look at a situation or conflict can mean the difference between overreaction and smart choices.

When I'm in the middle of something, I am literally in themiddleof it. I'm talking, so-squished-I-can-hardly-breathe in the middle. So I can pretty much forget about thinking clearly. Even the slightest removal from said situations can have the most dramatic effect on the outcome. I feel healthiest when I can shift my perspective. I feel smart and rational and mature. 

So why is it always so hard for me to remove myself in order to gain control? Because I like the emotional aspect just as much as the rational aspect. In truth, I am a girl. Now, this sentiment is not true for all girls, nor is it true for me at all times. It's just a pattern I've begun noticing. 

I have also noticed that once the perspective shift takes place, and I rationalize myself into oblivion, my "issues" tend to dissolve quickly, regardless of how imposing they seemed 10 minutes ago.

That's my current food for thought. What's yours?

Turbulence

I need validation.

I need to know that someone can love me - the mess that I am - without needing me to change first into some ideal that they have. 

I know God loves me. I know that is supposed to be enough. Is it so wrong of me to feel like it's not enough though? I feel like such a terrible person for even voicing that. 

I've felt like a terrible person a lot lately. I don't like that.

I feel like I am listless - a tiny boat lost at sea, bouncing around from wave to wave. My compass doesn't point north anymore. I don't know where I am, or where I am going, or even where I really want to go. How could anyone want a mess like this?

I need to know if someone even could. 

Rational Thinking?

I've been trying to pretend lately that I'm not an adult. It isn't working. 

I remember that in high school, it seemed like if I didn't want to deal with a problem, I ignored it. Usually it went away. I think this was due to the fact that most of my "problems" in high school revolved around teenage angst and drama between friends. Therefore, most of that stuff did dissolve in a matter of days. 

Things weigh more heavily and tend to have more consequences as we age. Every decision costs us something. Is the positive of a situation ever worth the possible negatives that come with it?

I used to go with the flow a lot more. I am now almost consumed by a raging debate in my head over every little thing. It takes me forever to make a decision because I worry about all possibilities. I used to do a lot of rash, stupid things. I do have a few regrets, but in general I made pretty good decisions. The bad decisions are the ones I learned from. Logically, that would make me a smarter person, with even better decision-making skills.

So, why don't I trust myself now?

Transitions

Is there ever a good time to change your own circumstances?

There comes a moment in most of life's scenarios when we reach what is called a "breaking point." Here we are presented with two options: Forge your own path and jump in head first...or wait to see where the cards fall on their own.

Both options present problems of varying terror - meaning that ultimately, we are afraid of the results of either choice. The trouble with the waiting option is just that - the waiting. Being patient is terrible. Also, we live in a very impatient culture...we want what we want, and we want it the way we want it, and we want it NOW. It's very much the Veruca Salt Mentality. "Daddy, I want the golden goose NOW!"

Yeah, too bad that goose led to Veruca's demise. Hence the potential danger of our other option: diving in head first to the unknown opens you up to a potential world of terrible results and unanticipated hurts. Sometimes, the hurts we are blindsided by don't go away very easily either. 

So now we are back at that breaking point and you have to ask, "Is this worth the potential damage of quick action, or might it be more worth it to tough it out and wait?"

Revision

I want to know what's coming next. - Me, June 24, 2008

I have since changed my mind. Part of the beauty of being a human is that we don't get to know what's coming next.

What I do get is to be awake and alive, staring at the possibilities of what life can be when I am truly leaning on and trusting in God. And for one of the first times in my life, I am surrounded by people who are actually pouring encouragement into me and through shared experiences we are learning about life and God together. It's refreshing because I've never lived my life like this before. I've spent a lot of time as a spiritual hermit, and as a result of that I have spent a lot of years wasted in the sense that I haven't been experiencing faith with other Christians. It changes so much.

And for that I am so thankful and hopeful for whatever is coming.

Introverts Unite!

I came across this article, Caring for You Introvert, by Jonathan Rauch, on a friend's blog today, and I thought it worth sharing. If you have the time, I would recommend reading it.

I learned a lot about both the friend who posted it (who is very much an introvert) and myself (yes, I too, am an introvert, it turns out...). I mean, I've kind of always known I was introverted (my family always called it "shy" though), and just last week I did one of those Jungian (based on the theories of Carl Jung) personality quizzes that told me I was introverted. So this isn't really news to me, so much as further realization of how to qualify myself. While I definitely have introverted tendencies, I am not an extreme introvert, because I do relish prolonged social interaction, and I don't really need time to recuperate from being around people in the same sense that the article illustrates. I have to say though, it was kind of eye-opening to read this, because for years I have tried to make myself more "outgoing." I've always thought that I needed to be louder or talk more or just be more exciting. Turns out, not being those things isn't a defect, it's just ME. 

I've been battling with myself because I have moments (actually quite a few of them) when I just don't feel like being around people because it's too much for me to deal with on a given day. Here I was, thinking that made me a jerk and a bad friend for not always wanting to "hang out" at the drop of a hat, when really, I just need some quiet time. I'm not trying to be a hermit.

That's the whole thing, I think. I LOVE PEOPLE. I love being around people, especially my close friends. And I love talking, when we're talking about real stuff. I am terrible at small talk - I hate it actually, which is probably why I'm generally awkward at meeting new people. I like new people, I just never know what to say!

Okay, enough analysis. Here are some of the quotes I found particularly enlightening (some of them I simply found entertaining) if you don't want to read the whole article.

"Introverts are not necessarily shy. Shy people are anxious or frightened or self-excoriating in social settings; introverts generally are not."

"For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. Our motto: 'I'm okay, you're okay—in small doses.'"

"...many actors, I've read, are introverts, and many introverts, when socializing, feel like actors."

"As [Calvin] Coolidge is supposed to have said, 'Don't you know that four fifths of all our troubles in this life would disappear if we would just sit down and keep still?' (He is also supposed to have said, 'If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.' The only thing a true introvert dislikes more than talking about himself is repeating himself.)"

"Female introverts, I suspect, must suffer especially. In certain circles, particularly in the Midwest, a man can still sometimes get away with being what they used to call a strong and silent type; introverted women, lacking that alternative, are even more likely than men to be perceived as timid, withdrawn, haughty."

Amongst the vending machines, and year-old magazines...

I'm thinking about music's connection to the soul. I know, I know, I am completely random - but the longer you hang around here, the more you will continue to figure that out. :)

Anyway, I'm listening to Death Cab for Cutie's album Plans and thinking about how much of an impact this particular album has had on my life. I mean, it's hard to explain, but these songs helped me get through a really tough time in my life a year and a half ago. My grandfather was dying, in a painful and sad way, and my family was trying so hard to hold itself together, and things were, to put it lightly, a bit of a mess. I honestly can't say what I would have done if not for my family, and my faith, and my belief that my grandpa was a born-again Christian - a disciple of Jesus Christ. That was my one happy thought during that time. I know that I know that I know that he is no longer in pain, and he is with his Saviour. How can I possibly know this? Because he lived his life loving people the way Christ loved, and when he prayed for us, his heart was just right there, being poured out and proclaiming Christ.

I loved my grandpa. And I still miss him every day. And it's funny, because I wasn't thinking about any of this until I started Plans on my iTunes. There's definitely a connection between music and memory. I have no doubt about that. And there are some songs on this album that just make me smile and sing along. And there is one, "What Sarah Said," that makes me cry to this day because of it's paralleled lyrics to my life when I first heard it. 

So, that is my vignette for the day. I'm particularly excited for Saturday, because I'm going with my brother and a couple of friends to Bend, OR to see Death Cab in concert! It will definitely be a good time. More on that later.

Thanks for tuning in...if you did.

On Books

I'm wondering if I am the only person bothered by the fact that C.S. Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia were re-arranged and republished in the new order after Lewis' death. I can't possibly be the only person who wishes that they could have just left well-enough alone.

Maybe it is just me. But I can't help but be struck by how wonderful the books were in their original order - like the children, we as readers were strangers in a new world, trying to piece together the parts of a magnificent mystery. Sure, the books are a tatch more logical when put in chronological order, but Narnia isn't just about the history of Narnia. It's a look at growing up, discovering faith, learning how to apply that faith when you aren't a child any longer. I love how we move through the journey of learning those things and then having to return to the everyday world of home, first with Peter and Susan, then with Edmund and Lucy, later with Eustace and Jill, and so on down the line. I  realize that we don't meet all of the characters in order, but it's the timeline of putting the world together in little bits that was so fascinating for me as a child, and even now as a young adult. 

I loved that The Magician's Nephew was book 6. You spend all these years learning about Narnia and the children that have lived there and visited there, and then you get to go back by a happy accident (or is it a carefully planned adventure?) and see how everything came to be before everyone else got there.

That's my two cents. At least they left The Last Battle where it was! :)

For anyone wishing to take the journey through Narnia in the original order, please read the books this way:

The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

Prince Caspian

The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

The Silver Chair

The Horse and His Boy

The Magician's Nephew

The Last Battle